I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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