Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
