I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
