How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
