So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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