i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
