About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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