No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
