i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
