I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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