I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
