just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
