**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
