I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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