How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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