Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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