I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
