This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
