Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
