you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Bring me that man meat
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Randomize
