i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
