Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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