dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Randomize
