I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
