I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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