Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
