she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
