just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
