i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
