see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
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