Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
