i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
