he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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