Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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