Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
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