The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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