i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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