He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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