i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
