It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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