no, he came in my armpit
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
