i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
