Joe is yelling at the trees again.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
