Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
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