Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
She even gives head with a lisp.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
