If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
