I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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