really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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