Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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