does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
