He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
