also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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