Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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