the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
